I Love You More Than I'm Afraid (Our Forevers #2) Read online

  “No it’s not,” Aria said.

  “But she was there for me. She refused to do anything sexual with me until I was legal. We made out from time to time, but that was it. Yeah, she continued to help me drink and eventually introduced me to drugs too, but we never use…” I was preparing to defend my drug and alcohol use, but then I remembered Aria’s relationship to it and stopped short.

  “There’s no excuse, it’s a fucked up relationship, I’ll give you that, but when no one else was there for me, Suli was, and that holds a lot of weight with me. Codie eventually beat the truth out of me—he’s a little uptight, so I hadn’t told him about it—but then we all started to hang out. Now I have a little group of friends. They’re older than me, but even you say that you think I’m much more mature than most people our age.”

  “I do think that,” Aria said, “but that doesn’t mean—”

  “I know,” I cut her off. “I shouldn’t be doing anything that is dangerous or illegal. I’m gonna stop, I swear.”

  “What about her?” Aria asked.

  “I mean… I’m legal now. There’s nothing illegal about continuing to be friends with benefits.”

  “I guess, but she seems to be a bad influence.”

  “She’s not,” I said. “If I tell her no, she’ll listen. She’s not a peer pressure type. Trust me.”

  Aria gave me a definite nod. “Okay. I do.”

  “Good.” I pushed the book. “Now pick a blueprint. I’m ready to get this application started.”

  The sooner I could apply, the sooner I could be accepted, and the sooner I could be accepted, the sooner I’d be able to leave. Aria continued to change my life every single day, and with this new program at my doorstep, it could finally be the thing that I needed to get over Hannah for good.

  10

  Hannah

  Even though relatively little happened for the rest of the week, I was still exhausted. All I had to do was get through Friday and then I could sleep away my weekend and hopefully next week would be better. It had been so long since I’d been inundated with Arden and the memories of our relationship. It was probably stupid for me to make any attempt to make nice with her, but I was hopeful. That didn’t make me a terrible person. Having to be around Aria and Arden with how close they were was just flat out difficult for me. Even knowing that they weren’t an actual couple, it didn’t change what I felt when I saw them together.

  “Good morning.”

  I looked over from my locker and Ceradi was standing there. It actually was a nice departure from constantly being around Aria and her respective relationships with Arden and Tristan making me feel like an actual piece of shit.

  “Hey,” I greeted.

  Ceradi stuck out her hand and poked the space under my eyes. “You look exhausted, honey. What’s going on?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe it’s just because we’re getting closer to graduation. I haven’t been sleeping as well lately.”

  She leaned against the locker next to me and crossed her arms. “But you’re so smart, and even if you weren’t, all the teachers love you.” She stabbed a finger at me. “I know what it is.”

  My heart clenched up in my chest and I turned to look at her. “You do?”

  “Duh, it’s so obvious.” She turned to face me outright, putting her hands on both of my shoulders. “You still have feelings for Tristan, so you’re heartbroken that he’s with that whale now.”

  My mouth was slightly agape as I thought over the best way to respond to that assumption. It wasn’t like I could tell her it was that I actually had feelings for someone else, but that Aria was still the issue. It also wasn’t entirely false, because Aria’s relationship with Tristan was a challenge for me too in the way that it interfered with our friendship. Ceradi was a terrible gossip though, and if I told her that I actually did have feelings for Tristan, that news would get around the school quickly.

  “Um,” I stammered out. “M-maybe?”

  She screeched. “I knew it! I could tell. You never got over him from when you guys broke up before. I don’t know why you didn’t just get back together that whole time.” Then she rolled her eyes. “It’s probably for the best though. He was obviously just a loser in disguise. You’re way too good for him.”

  “Ahaha,” I forced out.

  She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and leaned in. “You know who’s single now? Shane. He’s moved up recently. He even sits with us now. He always has his eyes on you. I can set you up if you want. He’s super hot now since he lost all that weight.”

  I was way too tired for Ceradi’s superficial vitriol, but equally too tired to do anything about it. “Uh, maybe. I’ll let you know.”

  “Totally!” She leaned back and swatted my shoulder. “Just let me know, okay?”

  “Ceradi!” Ceradi and I looked over and her on-again-off-again flame, Milton, was waving her down. “Get that ass over here!”

  “I’m being summoned by my man,” Ceradi sang, then she wrapped her arms around me for a hug before leaning back and pinching my cheek. “Cheer up, okay? You’re, like, way too stunning to be so sad.” She twirled away from me, stopping only to turn back around and call back, “Hey! Sit with us at lunch today, okay? I’ll introduce you to Shaaaane.”

  I waved after her. “I’ll think about it.”

  She seemed to accept that as an answer, floating the rest of the way over to Milton and walking out of sight. I forgot how much easier it was to deal with Ceradi. She may not be the greatest person in the world, but at least I knew what to expect. When I was around her, I never had to face my own shortcomings or feel like I was constantly running just to try and keep pace.

  Maybe I actually would sit with her at lunch today.

  Not long after Ceradi walked away, Tristan walked up. It was timed in a way that made me think he was probably waiting for her to walk away, which was understandable given the circumstances.

  “Hey,” he said, leading in with a hug. “Ceradi, huh?”

  After taking the few things I needed for my first few classes from my locker, I shut it and started off with Tristan at my side. “Yeah. We were just chatting.” I looked sideways at him. “That’s not a problem is it?”

  He furrowed his brow, taken aback by the question. “Uh… no. It’s just… You know, it’s Ceradi, so…”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, so? She’s still my friend, just because she’s not your friend anymore.” There was an unintended bite to my voice, and I could see in the way Tristan recoiled that he heard it. “You know, there are parts of her that aren’t awful.”

  “Okay,” Tristan said. “Sure.”

  An awkward silence settled between us that I didn’t like. Not since we first met, had Tristan and I had awkward tension between us. We’d always had a good rapport, and our personalities were so complimentary that it never felt like a struggle to connect. Lately though, it felt more difficult than usual. Aria was such a large part of his life now, and I was trying to make her as small a part of mine as possible. It just felt like things were getting weirder and weirder between us.

  We didn’t say much else to one another during our shared classes in the morning. We hung out near each other, both just sort of running on auto-pilot, but all of our conversations were short and strange. I was actually relieved when Tristan split off to go and meet up with Aria to walk with her to lunch. It felt like I was using the last bit of my energy just to keep things from getting too bad.

  God, I was so tired.

  I trudged into the lunchroom, seeing that Arden and some of the other debate students were already sitting at one of the tables talking and laughing. There was nothing I would rather do less than sit at that table before Tristan was there to at least work as a buffer, and with as strange as things had been between us today, even him being there wouldn’t do me a whole lot of good.

  After going through the lunch line and getting my food, I started out for the table. I only got about halfway before I just stopped. Looking over a
t Arden made my stomach clench up, as I stood there, Aria walked over and sat down, having gotten by me somehow as I was just standing frozen, and when she sat down, Arden got the biggest smile on her face. It hurt, to say the least.

  Me going over there was only going to cause problems.

  That was when an arm looped through mine. “Hey babes. We’re sitting over here,” Ceradi said with a big, cheeky grin.

  I started to give to her pull when all of a sudden I heard, “Hannah?” I looked back and Tristan was standing there with his and Aria’s trays and a look of confusion on his face. “You coming?”

  Ceradi leaned around me with a scowl on her face. “She’s sitting with us. You know, for old time’s sake. She can’t be expected to sit with losers every day of the year.”

  Tristan totally ignored Ceradi and just looked at me. “Are… you sitting over here today?”

  The feeling of being pulled in two directions was somehow physically painful, even though we were all standing still. My heart was pounding, my head was thundering against my skull.

  And my god, was I so goddamn tired.

  I glanced past Tristan to the table where Aria and Arden were looking at something and chattering about it excitedly, and my stomach twisted again. If I was being totally honest with myself, I really wanted just one day where I didn’t have to sit in Aria’s glow and Arden’s contempt.

  “Yeah, I’m gonna sit with Ceradi today,” I said. “I’ll catch up with you after school.”

  “Oh.” The frown on Tristan’s face was heartbreaking and I almost caved and backtracked, but Ceradi was already pulling me away. “See ya,” he grumbled as I left his side.

  “Don’t worry,” Ceradi said. “That was totally the right choice. You belong over here with us anyway.”

  “Hey!” Nijah, one of the popular girls, greeted when Ceradi pulled me to the table. “Are you sitting with us again?”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but Ceradi cut in before I could. “Isn’t it great? I told her she belongs over here and not with those losers.”

  “Totally,” Milton said. “Welcome home, Hannah.”

  It took all of the energy I had left to force a grin. “Thanks.”

  Ceradi shooed the person who was in the seat next to her away so that I could sit there, and I lowered myself down. I looked over just in time to see Tristan trudge over to the table with Aria and Arden and flop down into the seat. Aria looked over, seemingly picking up on his bad mood instantly, and then I saw her glance over at me before rubbing his back gently. It made me feel even more like shit than I already did. Part of this whole upset that took place when they started dating was that I stuck with him rather than gave into the pull of the status quo.

  Maybe I just wasn’t strong enough for it.

  I was working on building up my courage to cave and go sit at that table instead when I saw Arden reach across the table and put her hand on top of Tristan’s. She said something to him and his mood completely changed. He seemed really excited and he reached across the table and gave Arden a huge high-five. That seemed to be the shifting point from Tristan being down in the dumps to being in a much better mood. Without me at the table, he was free to interact with everyone without trying to awkwardly bridge the gap between them and me. I was right.

  That table was much better off without me there.

  “Oh!” Ceradi yelped, bringing my attention back to our table. “Hannah…” She motioned across the table to a guy sitting there that I recognized just from school in general, but I hadn’t had any extended interactions with. “This is Shane. Shane, this is Hannah. Isn’t she a beaut?”

  Shane nodded emphatically. “Gorgeous.”

  Ceradi squealed and settled into her food like she’d done the lord’s work. “I’m so good.”

  Shane wasn’t unattractive by any means. He was tall, maybe just over six feet, and had wispy, auburn hair and hazel eyes. When he smiled, he got a single dimple in his left cheek and his nose scrunched up in a cute way. Broad shoulders and thick arms were indicative of the working out that Ceradi alluded to earlier, though he still carried some weight in his torso. In my honest opinion, he wore it just fine. The husky look was sexy, if I were into that sort of thing.

  “We’re actually in Mr. Smant’s class together in the afternoon,” Shane said.

  “Oh, that’s right,” I replied. “Sorry. He bores me to tears, so the fact that I didn’t notice you is entirely because I’m normally asleep.”

  Everyone at the table bubbled into laughter, which was something I hadn’t experienced as of late. Arden and Aria’s friends were all straight-A students who loved all of their classes and teachers. A joke like that would have completely bombed if not earned me some looks of scrutiny at their table.

  “I totally get that,” he said. “Maybe next time you feel bored or something, we can chat to make it a little more interesting.”

  I offered him a polite nod and smile. “Yeah. That sounds great.”

  There was a little blush to his cheeks as he nodded and returned to his food, and Ceradi elbowed me. When I looked over she wiggled her eyebrows. What felt so uncomfortable at first very quickly became easy. This was what I was used to. Shit-talking, gossiping, getting lost in the superficial; they weren’t Gandhi-worthy conversations, but did they have to be? We were young and just enjoying the one break from school we got throughout the day. It didn’t have to be filled with groundbreaking discoveries or full-fledged debate over which superhero’s cape was more likely to get caught in an airplane.

  I’d nearly forgotten what it felt like to just relax during lunch.

  I did feel bad about ditching Tristan though, so after school I caught up with him like I told him I would, in order to make nice. It was clear he was disappointed, but didn’t mention it, and rather just gave me a hug and told me he was happy to see me.

  “You’re not mad?” I asked. “I didn’t mean to ditch you, I just—”

  “If you’re more comfortable at Ceradi’s table, then that’s good. I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to,” he replied. “We’re still friends, right?”

  “Of course!” I responded. “You don’t get rid of me that easily.” That actually seemed to bring a little relief to Tristan. Was that what he was fretting over, that my sitting with Ceradi was the beginning of me ending our friendship? “I know it was weird sitting apart, but that has nothing to do with us. We’re good.”

  He nodded at that and a smile came to his face. “Good.” He gave me another hug before unwrapping and starting off. “I got a game, so I’ll see you later.”

  “Wait!” I called, grabbing his arm to hold him in place. “Um…”

  He stopped and watched me carefully, not rushing me to get to what I had to say. “At the table, it looked like something maybe happened? With Arden I mean. You gave her a high-five.”

  “Oh,” Tristan said. “Yeah. It turns out Aria’s boss had learned from Aria about the kind of stuff Arden was into. Like the inventing and stuff. She got a tip for an internship that Arden can apply for called the Young Innovators… something. I can’t remember. The acronym is Y.I.I.P. Anyway, it’s a really good opportunity for her. Like a paid internship, but it’ll give her a certification at the end. It’s awesome.”

  I hated that I felt like I couldn’t show how excited I was about that. “Wow. I can’t believe that. It’s awesome. I’m surprised that our school wouldn’t promote something like that.”

  “Well, it’s not actually here,” Tristan said. “If she gets accepted, then she’ll be moving to New York.”

  “What?” I said, my heart sank. “She’d move?”

  “I mean, with her parents, she wants to get the hell out of here, and who can blame her?” He frowned at me, picking up on my sudden sadness. “But… ya know. There’s no guarantee she’ll get it.”

  I forced a smile, but it was entirely fake. “Who are you kidding?” I imagined Arden’s beautiful creativity and the multitude of things I’d s
een come out of her brain throughout history. “Of course she’s going to get it.”

  In just a few months, Arden was going to leave for New York and I was never going to see her again.

  11

  Hannah

  It took until I was walking up to the old tree house in Hannah’s backyard that I started to question what I was doing there. I didn’t remember deciding to go there or even traveling there, but there I was nonetheless, looking up at the small opening, trying to calculate exactly how long it had been since I was last there.

  “Arden?” I called out. “Are you up there?”

  Arden’s head popped out of the one window. I wasn’t sure why, but I almost expected to see her younger self—before the hair dye, gauges, and tattoos. But there she was, looking as magnificent as ever. Arden wasn’t a flashy person, at least not by my standards. She didn’t wear press-on nails and drench herself in jewelry or expensive clothes. The changes she made to her appearance were subtle, yet I always found them very attractive, sexy even.

  “Hey!” she called down with a huge smile on her face. “Give me like three minutes. I’m not quite done yet.”

  “I'm not going anywhere!” I yelled back up. I meant the words from the very depths of my soul, but they still made me awash with sadness.

  She gave me a warm, jubilant grin. “Well I certainly hope not.”

  Arden disappeared again and I sat down on the grass and spread my legs out. It was a beautiful, autumn afternoon—my favorite. The sun was playfully hidden behind a thin veil of clouds, and there was a breeze that was strong enough that it made my long-sleeved shirt a good decision, but didn't make me silly for still wearing sandals with my jeans. I scrunched my hands against the grass, feeling the cool blades, some of them still dipped with dew, and in the distance I could smell an incoming rain. Up in the tree house, Arden was muttering quietly to herself—something she did often when she was concentrating.