I Love You More Than I'm Afraid (Our Forevers #2) Read online

  My heart broke itself and repaired itself a million times in a minute. I leapt out of my seat and wrapped my arms around her. “I love you so much. Please never leave me.”

  She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me back. “As long as you never do, you never have to worry about me.”

  If there was anyone worth changing for, it was Aria. I just really and truly hoped I could keep my promise.

  8

  Hannah

  I had absolutely no idea how long I’d been standing in the opening to my locker staring into the void, but thankfully Tristan appeared with my favorite coffee in hand. He pushed it into my field of view snapping me from my trance and when I turned to look at him he gave me a huge smile.

  “Good morning,” he said.

  I pulled the drink from his hand and looked around to see if there were any additional ones that I didn’t see. “Just one coffee?”

  He furrowed his brow. “Yeah. Did you want two?”

  “No, no. I just… did you get one for you… or Aria?” I asked.

  “I don’t really drink coffee, you know that, and I’m sure Aria wouldn’t have turned down a coffee, but I didn’t really have her in mind. I knew you had a rough night so I figured you could use a pick-me-up.”

  I smiled, feeling the coffee warm my hands through the cup. “I do. Thank you.”

  Maybe it was petty to be happy that Tristan went out of his way to get something for me specifically without considering Aria, but it did. He also wasn’t wrong, I didn’t get much sleep at all. I was up the first half of the night waiting to hear from Tristan whether or not Aria had been successful in retrieving Arden from The Undersound.

  I spent the second half of the night lamenting the fact that she’d been successful where I had failed. It wasn’t like I expected Arden to just drop everything and listen to me, but it would have made me feel at least a little better if she also hadn’t listened to Aria. Tristan was confident it would work though, and as much as I hated it, I was too.

  It was irritating being glad that Arden was okay, but annoyed that she’d listened to Aria. She wasn’t much different from me, deferring to Aria so much more than she ever did me. Then again, I didn’t really have anyone to blame for that but myself.

  “Did you get any sleep last night?” Tristan asked. He reached around me to pull out the books and materials he knew I’d need for my first couple classes, since I’d failed to do so in the ten or so minutes I’d been standing there.

  “Not really,” I replied honestly. “I tried, honest, but after you called me it just… didn’t really happen.”

  He frowned as he shut my locker and handed my things over to me. “I considered not telling you until this morning for that reason.”

  I shook my head. “That would have been worse. Honestly, I think I was bound to lose sleep last night regardless. It’s okay. I appreciate you letting me know.” I took a few steps towards Tristan and set my head on his chest. “This sucks.”

  He wrapped his arms around my back and rubbed gently, the morning snuggle much needed. “I know. I mean, I don’t really know, but I can see it’s hurting you, and I’m sorry about that. Is there anything I can do?”

  I let his familiar smell and soothing voice calm my racing nerves. “I don’t think so. I just have to fight through to the end of the year. Graduation and getting away from here will be good for me.”

  “Have you decided where you’re going yet?”

  I’d fought for perfection my entire school career. I hated disappointing my parents, mainly because they were trained emotional assassins. There was always someone doing better, with a smarter, prettier kid. If I didn’t get straight As or look like someone’s trophy wife waiting to happen, I had to hear all about all of the families at church who had kids with more promising futures. I relied on my parents so much more than I cared to admit, and they were so much more agreeable when I was doing everything they expected of me, including being a superstar in school.

  For this reason, I pretty much had my pick of schools once I graduated. I’d applied to a dozen or more schools all across the country, but of course my parents wanted me to go to a conservative Christian college about ten minutes from my home. My mom even suggested I live at home during school to save money.

  I’d rather chew my own arm off with dull teeth.

  Graduating was going to be my escape. From the politics of being a popular, pretty girl. From the stress of constantly trying to achieve my parents’ impossible to reach standards. From the pain of my former relationship with Arden.

  And god willing, as far from Aria as I was humanly able to get.

  “No,” I said. “I mean, California doesn’t sound too bad. I actually got accepted to a school in Hawaii too.”

  “Hawaii?” Tristan said, his bass reverberating through his chest and massaging the side of my face. “You weren’t lying when you said you wanted to get away from here.”

  I snickered. “No. I want out.”

  “Good morning!”

  I snatched backwards out of Tristan’s grip as quickly as I could when I heard Aria’s voice. My heart started pounding in my chest, and I could feel my face burning.

  Tristan frowned. “What was that for?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing.” Then I looked over at Aria, getting gut-punched at the sight of Arden slinking just behind her. “Morning.”

  Aria offered me a bright smile and then looked down at the cup of coffee in my hand and frowned. It gave me a quick sense of pride as I thought she was jealous, but then she lifted her hand and she had a coffee carrier in her hand with three cups in it.

  She looked up at Tristan with a sigh. “Great minds think alike.”

  He laughed. “I guess so.”

  She pulled one of the cups out and handed it over to me. “Light roast with hot cocoa and vanilla, right?”

  She was upset to see that I had a coffee because she’d gotten me one too? Why was this woman so disgustingly perfect?

  “Yeah,” I said with a forced smile, taking the second cup. “Thanks.”

  “Sorry, I realize that’s a lot. I won’t feel offended if you chuck it,” she said, then grabbed another cup from the carrier and lifted it up to Tristan. “Peppermint hot cocoa.”

  Tristan’s face lit up. “You found some? They usually only do it for the holidays.”

  “You can find it if you know what to ask for,” she responded with a wink.

  Tristan shook his head and smiled. “Aw. I love you.”

  She giggled. “I love you too.”

  She pulled the last cup out for herself and ditched the carrier, and my eyes drifted over to Arden. She had a cup in her hands too, and I noticed the clear signs of a hangover all over her face. I wanted to yell at her, or at least admonish her with a scathing expression, but she wouldn’t even meet my gaze, just stare at the floor.

  The bell rang signifying class was about to start, and given that Tristan and I shared our first class, and Aria and Arden shared one, we parted ways to get to our separate locations. Once Aria was gone from earshot, Tristan looked over at me with a frown.

  “Why did you pull yourself back so violently before?” Tristan said. “You hurt my hand.”

  “I’m sorry. I heard Aria and just panicked,” I said.

  “Why?” he asked.

  I looked over at him with a half-lidded gaze. “Why else? Your girlfriend walked up. If she saw you getting all snuggly with another woman, your ex, no less, she’d flip out.”

  “Uh, not Aria,” Tristan said. “She knows I’d never cheat on her or anything. She doesn’t mind.”

  I just shook my head. “No woman is just okay with her bf being all snuggly with someone else. Even if she tells you to your face that she’s fine with it, she’s not, trust me.”

  Tristan just shrugged. “I don’t think you know Aria very well.”

  And I had absolutely no care to.

  Still, I owed her for going to drag Arden out of The Undersound. Every time
she went to that seedy place, it was another risk that she was going to get herself killed. On top of that, I firmly believed what I told Tristan. No girl was fine with her boyfriend being hugged around another woman. I needed to thank and apologize to her or my conscience would never settle down, so though it was like pulling teeth to do so, I sought her out during the study period that we shared.

  She was sitting at one of the long tables in the study hall, with her headphones in, bopping her head to the music while she typed away at her laptop. There was no one sitting around her, and thankfully Ceradi and Milton, who also had the same study period, seemed distracted, so I walked up and sat down across from her.

  She was too consumed with what she was doing to notice me right away, so after waiting an awkwardly long time, I tapped the top of her screen. With a jump, she pulled out one of her wireless headphones and looked over the top of her computer at me.

  “Hannah, hi.” She offered me a friendly smile that made me want to groan. “How are you?”

  “I’m doing okay,” I said. “I, uh…” God this was the worst. “I wanted to thank you for going and getting Arden last night. I was worried, but I knew she wouldn’t listen to me, so…”

  “Oh no! I’m the one who should be thanking you. I had no idea she hung out at a place like that. How did you know she was there?” she asked.

  I swallowed hard, not sure if I should share the truth or not. “We, uh… we shared our locations with one another a long time ago. I guess I never took hers off.”

  “Would you mind sharing it with me?” Aria asked. “That way I can make sure she doesn’t do anything like that again in the future.”

  I didn’t want to do that at all. I liked knowing that it was one piece of Arden that I had that Aria didn’t. “I’m not really comfortable doing that. You know, without her permission.”

  I prepared myself for a fight if Aria gave me one, but she retreated immediately. “That’s totally cool. I’ll talk to her about it myself.”

  A frown came to my face thinking that Arden would probably give Aria her location if she asked. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. It was the only thing I had, and Aria would probably have it before the end of the day.

  “Um, also…” I said, desperate to change the subject from Arden. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

  She cocked her head to the side. “Sorry for what? Did you end up chucking the coffee?”

  “N-no. I drank it. I meant for Tristan. We were all cuddly and stuff. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

  Aria shook her head emphatically. “No! You totally didn’t!”

  I leaned a little over the table. “Aria, it’s okay. I know that was out of line.”

  Aria reached across the table and set her hand on mine. “No, really. I felt bad because it seemed like I interrupted. I love that you and Tristan are so close and I would never want to interfere with that. I know that your intimacy with one another is just friendly. I trust Tristan not to cheat on me or anything like that. You guys are just friends and I adore your relationship. Please don’t change it on my account. You shouldn’t feel weird at all. You were his best friend before I was his girlfriend. I think technically you have seniority.” She laughed at her joke.

  “You’re just… cool with it?” I said.

  She looked legitimately confused. “Yeah. So few people in this world have such wonderful relationships with their besties. I’m happy for you guys.”

  “O…okay.”

  She was such a shining person that it made me sick. No one was just fine with something like that. It was impossible to be that kind, that considerate, that caring, that trusting. What, she was just the embodiment of perfection fallen from the sky? Did she not realize how hard some of us had to work for perfection? How dare she think she could just make it look easy like that?

  For some reason, that conversation put me in a terrible mood and I found myself wishing I hadn’t approached her at all. Arden wasn’t really my concern, so I didn’t actually need to thank her for dragging her out of that ditch, and it was Tristan’s responsibility not to make Aria feel uncomfortable, not mine. It was stupid for me to even think that I had to say any of that to her.

  It just made me more angry.

  I was still seething by the time the end of the day rolled around, and Aria was standing with Tristan and Arden at Tristan’s locker. I approached, wanting to talk to Tristan above anything else, but as soon as I approached, Aria seemed to be hit with a beat of memory.

  “Oh, right, Arden.” She turned to her. “Can I have your location?”

  Arden furrowed her brow. “What? No.”

  The way she said it, sharply and with utter disgust, it was hard not to smile. Aria probably wasn’t used to being told no, not with how angelic she was. I kept my eyes on her, waiting for the inevitable fight that was probably going to occur, but then Aria nodded and rolled her eyes.

  “Fine.” Then she turned to Tristan. “No practice for you guys tonight, right? Let’s get dinner tonight.”

  Tristan nodded with a bright smile on his face. “Yeah, okay.”

  My jaw dropped. Just like that? She wasn’t going to argue with Arden about it, just take no for an answer and move on? Was she at least going to be annoyed with Arden for saying no?

  As if to answer my question, Aria turned and looked at Arden with a fierce stare. “I better not hear that you’re at some crazy place.”

  Arden chuckled, wrapping her arm around Aria’s shoulders. “I’m headed straight home. I promise.” Then she tilted her head. “Is that why you wanted my location?”

  Aria looped her arms around Arden and hugged her close. Their faces were so close to one another and they were glowing. If anyone else viewed it from the outside, they’d be certain it was romantic. “Duh. You’ve proven you can’t be trusted to be out of my eyeline for a second. I swear you’re like a child. Do I need to get you one of those damn leash backpacks?”

  Arden let out a loud, joyous laughter that made my stomach flip over. “You might have to.” Then she pulled her phone out of her back pocket. “Fine. You can have it, but I get yours too.”

  I had to fight back the urge to scream. All Aria had to do was snuggle up to her and she got what she wanted? I watched as they exchanged locations, including the painfully adorable interaction where Aria picked out the color and nickname for her pin on Arden’s phone.

  I grabbed Tristan’s arm and pulled him back from them, so they were just out of earshot, not that they were paying even the slightest bit of attention to us. “Are you okay with that?”

  “With what?” he said. “Aria sharing her location? I’m fine with it. Just another person looking out for her.”

  “No not that,” I said, looking over at them hovering mere centimeters from one another laughing and smiling. If their background were pink, they’d look like a romance novel cover. “All the snuggling and closeness. Arden’s gay, you know?”

  “Yeah, but Aria isn’t,” Tristan replied simply. “Besides, Aria’s an affectionate person. Asking her not to be intimate with someone she cares about is like asking her not to breathe air. I know it’s not romantic, so I’m cool with it.”

  Arden looped an arm around Aria’s neck and pulled her close, kissing her on the forehead. “It gets on my nerves how incredible you are,” she barked.

  Aria welcomed the embrace. “I feel like I have to be to match how amazing you are.”

  I held back a gag, but Tristan was all smiles. He really didn’t seem concerned about that, but how could that be? I didn’t care for Aria’s confidence and boldness. It came too easy to her to be genuine.

  In fact, I didn’t care for Aria much at all.

  9

  Arden

  Exactly as I told Aria I would, I went straight home after school. I’d driven us to school since I needed to get my car from her house back to my house. Since Tristan didn’t have practice, she was able to leave with him. I had a couple of homework assignments for the day, so
my plan was to just lock myself in my room, take a nap, and then work through the night.

  But my mysterious absence from the night prior had been more of an issue than I anticipated.

  “How nice of you to come home,” my father started in immediately as I walked through the door. “I mean, for all we knew, you could have been dead in a ditch, or locked in some creep’s basement. You don’t think it worries us when you just don’t come home.”

  “Honestly?” I said, making my way further and further into the house as we argued.“No. I don’t think it worries you when I don’t come home.” Then I held up my finger. “Well, no, that’s not true. I think it worries you, but I know it’s not because you’re afraid I’m dead. It’s because you’re afraid I’m out being ultra gay and someone’s gonna see.”

  My father’s face turned beat red. “Your attitude is totally unacceptable, young lady. I am your father and you cannot talk to me that way.”

  “Is that your really roundabout way of saying I’m right?” I asked.

  “Arden?” Willow asked. I looked over my shoulder, and Willow and Whitney were standing at the bottom of the stairs. My mom was holding onto them like I was a madman with a gun instead of her daughter, but Willow just looked heartbroken. “I was so worried when you didn’t come home last night.”

  My eyes drifted up to my mother. Willow and Whitney knew that I occasionally spent my time out with Aria or other places because things were so hard for me at home. They both had my number and could easily have contacted me if they were truly concerned.

  That wasn’t why Willow was saying something.

  “Really?” I said to my mother. “You’re using them to make me feel bad?”

  She bristled at the accusation. “I did nothing of the sort.”

  “I’m not stupid,” I spat back. “If Willow or Whitney was worried about where I was, they would have called me. They knew I was probably with Aria and safe. The only reason she’s saying that is because you told her to.”