I Love You More Than I'm Afraid (Our Forevers #2) Page 5

  I shrugged and looked back at my phone. “Whatever. They think anything with boobs that I talk to is my girlfriend. It hasn’t stopped them from adoring her.”

  “They… they adore her?” she asked.

  Once again, I looked up, seeing that she looked anguished in the wake of the question. “Who doesn’t love Aria?” I asked. I felt like tacking on ‘besides you’ but decided that was best left off.

  Hannah opened her mouth to retort, but before she could say anything, Aria and Tristan arrived at the table. Tristan had both her and his trays balanced in each of his hands, and set one down in front of the seat next to me where Aria quickly dropped down. She looked sideways at my food and then took my salad and swapped it with her own burger and fries.

  “Hey,” I growled, though I wasn’t really mad; she could have it if she wanted.

  “I know you don’t want the salad; you did it to get through the line quicker,” she said before lifting the container and pointing at the ingredients inside, “which is why you didn’t realize that this has walnuts.”

  My jaw dropped. “You are a lifesaver. I would have bitten into it before I realized.”

  “Honestly,” Tristan complained as he settled in next to Hannah. “You gotta be more on top of things if you have a nut allergy. Those things are everywhere.”

  “It’s not a ‘kills-me’ allergy, but it does make me itchy all over. It’s not comfy,” I said.

  Aria popped the top of the salad. “So I’ll have this, because I wanted a salad anyway, and you have that, and you owe me a burger.”

  I smiled brightly at her. “You just name the time and the place, darlin’.”

  Hannah looked away from the interaction, but I just disregarded her. I wasn’t going to let her stop me from enjoying my best friend. A couple of times, Tristan tried to show her funny things on his phone and be buddy-buddy with her like Aria and I were, but Hannah was very closed off. I actually felt bad for him. After everything she’d done just to stay by his side, she couldn’t handle being friendly with him when I or Aria was around.

  It was beginning to look like their friendship was just a farce to her too.

  When lunch was over and we were off to the rest of our day, I started to feel better again. I didn’t have many classes with Hannah in general, and the ones I did have, I also shared with Aria and in some cases Tristan, so it was easy enough to distract myself. Mondays were always the worst for Hannah and me because it was the first time seeing each other again after not seeing one another all weekend, but hopefully the rest of the week would be better.

  At least, that was what I was hoping, but when I got to my car after school to leave, not walking with Aria who was walking Tristan to practice, Hannah was standing there waiting for me. I hesitated, even considered just high-tailing it and running home on foot, but I worked my ass off for my car, earning every penny myself because my homophobic, six-figure-earning parents certainly weren’t going to throw me any bones. It gave me anxiety, because god only knew what she wanted to say, but I pressed on, actually hoping I could just walk around her.

  She was standing near my trunk, so I pulled out my phone and kept my head down as I forged ahead. I saw her shift out of the corner of my eyes when I passed her, but I didn’t stop. My keys were in my hand, and never before had I been so frustrated I had an old car without a clicker. I jabbed my key into the lock, hearing Hannah walk around the car, and I was almost convinced she was going to just let me go, but as soon as I opened the door to climb in, she slipped between me and the car and plopped herself down in the driver’s seat.

  “Fuck it, I’ll buy a new car,” I hissed, turning around, but I could hear her heels scuffle behind me.

  “Please,” Hannah begged. “Just wait. I don’t have a lot to say, just hear me out.”

  I stopped on the way away from her and sighed. She was clearly not going to let me just go, so I turned around. “What?”

  She tilted her head slightly downwards, batting her stunning eyes at me. It’d be worse if they were their natural color, but she’d taken to wearing blue contacts for god knows what reason. “Look, I know that our history is a little… sordid. But Aria and Tristan clearly aren’t breaking up anytime soon. Probably not ever. Wouldn’t it be okay if you and I just… tried being friends? I’m not asking you to hang out with me outside of school or anything, but at least if we could be friendly to each other, it’d be better. For them?” She stuck her hand out as if she’d made some great case, but I just looked back at her with a scowl on my face.

  “I don’t need to be friends with you for them. Aria’s fine, our friendship is fine, Tristan’s fine, his relationship with Aria is fine. I don’t have to involve myself with you at all.” I never thought I’d say such awful things to Hannah in my life, but four years had changed things. “I tolerate you because I have to. That’s it.”

  “I don’t get it. I’m not an awful person. Why are you like this to me?” she whimpered. “I’m trying to extend an olive branch.”

  “And you have,” I said. “I’m not taking it. Get over it.”

  She crossed her arms. “Since when are you this immature? Are you going to hold a grudge against me forever?”

  “Holding a grudge would suggest there’s something on the other side. I don’t have to hold a grudge, you simply don’t matter that much to me.”

  That seemed to cut her. “I don’t matter to you? At all? If I dropped dead right now, you just wouldn’t care?”

  She and I both knew the answer to that question. “I don’t even know why you’re asking questions like that. You act as if I’m the problem here.”

  “You are the problem!” she shouted.

  “You’re the problem!” I snapped back. “You were always the problem! You were the one that up and left and broke my heart, Hannah, that wasn’t me! You wanted to go off and be some popular kid. Why do you even care anymore? You got what you wanted!”

  “That wasn’t what I wanted!” Her eyes were starting to water and I bit the inside of my cheek. Hannah crying was something of a weakness for me, and that wasn’t including my own emotions forming a knot in my throat. “I was just doing what I thought was best! It doesn’t mean my heart wasn’t broken too. We’re in the same boat!”

  “We are not in the same boat,” I hissed. “I loved you enough that I would have never done that to you.”

  “I loved you too!” she whined, though quietly. “I still—”

  “I don’t want to hear it,” I barked before she could say anything that would shatter my resolve. “You don’t care about me.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “I can say it because when you had to stick around and be brave and give everything up for me, you couldn’t do it, but when Tristan wanted to turn his back on all the popular kids for Aria, you stayed right by his side. You sit at a table with all of the debate kids, for him. I obviously wasn’t that important to you. Don’t lie to my face.”

  Hannah’s mouth closed. She didn’t have an argument for that. She sniffled, and I could tell she was about to start crying, so I charged around her and threw myself into my car before things got too much worse. My own nose was burning, but I refused to cry about it anymore. I’d shed enough tears over Hannah and the way she wrecked me.

  I started up my car and was just about to pull out when my phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw that it was my friend Suli. I pressed the call button and put it on speaker so that I could talk hands free, then I backed out of the parking spot.

  “Hey,” I grunted.

  “Oooh,” she responded. “You sound like you could destress.”

  “Yeah. You got something in mind?” I asked.

  She giggled. “A few things. Come to The Undersound tonight?”

  I was trying the best I could to avoid the place, but I didn’t feel like being at home, and I was so on edge that I wouldn’t be productive anywhere else. “Yeah. I’m in.”

  4

  Hannah

&nb
sp; I didn’t realize how loudly I’d been screaming until Arden drove off and I realized several people were staring. I had blanked out most of the conversation in an emotional fit of passion, so I wasn’t entirely sure how much I’d said that would be revealing or give too much away. A few students were huddled together and whispering to one another, but that could have just been about the fight in general.

  Either way, my eyes were blurring and I was in no position to drive, so I bolted towards the elevators. The school’s parking garage had bathrooms on every other floor, so I took the stairs down one level and pushed my way into the bathroom before the tears started flowing too much worse. I only just made it, tears already sliding down my cheeks as I burst through the doors.

  It hurt so much more than I was anticipating.

  At least when I was just a popular kid, I could do everything in my power to avoid seeing Arden too much. Of course, we would occasionally have classes together, but I could sit near the front of the class where she was behind me, or embedded in my friend group where they were distracting enough to keep me from paying too much attention to her.

  Since Aria arrived, I’ve been able to avoid her less and less until I was sitting with her every day at lunch.

  My makeup began running down my face and I gripped my stomach feeling like I just might puke if I don’t calm myself down. It wasn’t like I was expecting Arden and I to get back to the place we were in before, but I was kind of hoping that we could at least be cordial again, maybe even friendly? I thought if she’d at least be willing to listen to me again like she used to, maybe I could talk to her about just toning it down a bit. Toeing the line so she didn’t piss her parents off anymore than she already had.

  I live in constant fear that I’m going to wake up and learn that she’s been sent to a place like that conversion camp again. Doesn’t she realize it’s life or death? Why can’t she just keep her business hidden? It’s no one else’s concern what she does behind closed doors. If she could just play the role a little bit, her life would be so much easier.

  Maybe we could have even…

  “Aw, look at you. You’re a wreck.”

  I gasped as a voice called out. I didn’t even think to scan the bathroom when I walked in. It was after school and the only people hanging around were those in clubs and after school sports. I assumed I’d be mostly safe in there alone. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed that it was a familiar face. Standing in the frame of one of the bathroom stalls, with her sandy brown dyed hair hanging in ringlets down her head, was Ceradi.

  “Hi,” I said quietly. “It’s been a while.”

  “That it has. You didn’t return my texts from this morning. Here I was actually beginning to think you actually enjoy sitting with those losers, but I saw your face. You were miserable,” Ceradi said. She ducked back into the stall briefly to grab a piece of tissue, then she came out and turned on the water and washed her hands before gingerly cleaning up my face. “Why do you do it, hon? Just come back to our table. Don’t make me admit that I miss you, you stupid bitch.”

  I was finally able to crack a smile at Ceradi’s brash attitude. I knew that was just the way that she spoke and, as far as she could, she meant it endearingly. “I miss you too.”

  “Then why?” she asked. “Just leave that freak Tristan and his cow girlfriend alone and come back home where you belong.”

  I didn’t respond, because I didn’t like the way Ceradi was talking about Tristan, but I also knew I wasn’t going to defend him. Either because she realized that or she didn’t, Ceradi seemed to let it go, instead turning her attention to redoing my makeup. She lifted her purse and set it on the counter and then pulled out her “emergency” makeup pallets and got to work. She finished wiping away what had smeared before getting to work replacing it. She was totally quiet as she worked, which I honestly preferred. It was nice to just sit in the quiet for a while around someone who wasn’t Aria or Arden and imagine not having to deal with the added stress.

  After about ten minutes, Ceradi finished up and then stepped back with a smile. “There. Good as new.” She set her hand on my cheek and gave me a little pat. “Honestly. Don't mess up such a pretty face. These are our money makers, you know?”

  I forced a smile. “Thanks. Sorry.”

  "Come on." She wrapped an arm around me and pulled me towards the bathroom exit. “I’m meeting Milton for dinner. Join us, my treat. Forget about those dorks.”

  The bathroom door gave under Ceradi's hand, swinging out, and when it got open enough, I saw Tristan standing on the other side. He had all his baseball gear on, but given the time, he was definitely late for practice. I thought he’d gone straight there, escorted by Aria, but she was nowhere around. Tristan had a panicked look on his face.

  “Hey,” he said right away.

  “Ugh,” Ceradi hissed. “What do you want, you nerd? Shouldn't you be somewhere committing bestiality?”

  Tristan totally ignored her, stepping towards me. He reached out his arms for a hug. “Are you okay? A bunch of people said they saw you run in here crying. I walked Aria to her car when I thought I heard you yelling.”

  Ceradi threw her arm in front of me and scoffed at Tristan. “Don’t try to come and play hero now. Where were you when she was being abused by your pet’s pet?”

  “Did something happen with Arden?” Tristan asked. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

  “Not with you!” Ceradi answered for me before hugging me close. “Her real friends are taking care of her now. You're dismissed.”

  There was concern and disappointment all over Tristan’s face, and it reminded me why I adored him so much. I didn’t quite know why it was easier to stay by Tristan’s side than it was to stay by Arden’s. It wasn’t because Arden meant less to me, but Tristan did mean a hell of a lot. After everything he and I had been through, I couldn’t imagine just abandoning him.

  I pulled myself out of Ceradi’s hold, but smiled at her. “Thank you for sticking up for me. I’ve got it from here, but I’ll call you later, I promise.”

  “No more ignoring me,” Ceradi simpered. She stepped towards Tristan, but he just disregarded her, so she flipped him off before walking around him and eventually out of sight.

  “Glad to see she’s still a ball of fun,” Tristan grumbled.

  The way she carefully and sweetly redid my makeup popped into my mind. “Nah. She’s okay.”

  “If you say so,” Tristan said, then he wrapped his arms around me and dragged me into a huge, comforting hug. I set my head on his chest and breathed in his familiar cologne, the smell soothing me instantly. “Are you okay? What happened?”

  I shook my head. “I don't really wanna talk about it.”

  Tristan released me and looked down at me with a frown on. “Sure. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but you know… I’m here, if you need to talk. I feel bad that my relationship has forced so much discomfort into your life. That wasn’t my intention.”

  “No, no, no,” I said. “It’s not your fault. It’s…just complicated. Like I said, I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

  Tristan looked disappointed. I had been careful about not opening up to him too much about Arden or… sexuality. It just wasn’t something I was comfortable discussing, even with him. The problem was that things were already strained between us because he was dating Aria. Not talking things out with him wasn’t helping, but there wasn’t much I could do.

  “Let me walk you to your car,” he said, reaching out to try and take my backpack from me.

  I tightened my hand around the strap and refused to let him pull it. “It’s okay. I got it. I know you’re late, so…”

  “You used to let me all the time before, even if I was late, what’s the difference now?”

  He had this dopey, innocent expression like he honestly didn’t get it, and it was heartwarming. I didn’t really have an answer for him, other than ever since he started dating Aria, letting him do things like carry my bag for me or wa
lk me to my car just felt weird. That was the kind of stuff people who were romantically involved did for one another. Even if Tristan and I were close like that when we weren’t dating, at least we were both single then. Intimate stuff was reserved for real couples.

  I wished Aria and Arden understood that too.

  Still, Tristan was giving me puppy dog eyes, and I hadn’t been making much of an effort in our friendship lately. Aria wasn’t around, and neither was anyone else for that matter, so one quick time should be fine.

  I relinquished my hold on my bag and Tristan grew a smile as he pulled it from me. We were totally quiet, but again, it wasn’t awkward. Just like with Ceradi in the bathroom, it felt nice to just have a calm moment with someone who hadn’t given up on me.

  When we got to my car, Tristan opened the front door so I could get in, then he shut the door and opened the back to put my backpack in. I started up the car and rolled the window down, and Tristan leaned a little into the window.

  “Hey. Let’s have dinner after I’m done with practice. You need some fun. My treat. We can go to that French bistro you like.”

  “You don't have to do that,” I said. “I heard you making plans with Aria earlier. Don’t worry about me. I’m gonna go home and get some sleep and be right as rain tomorrow.”

  “I’ll cancel with Aria,” he retorted. “Even if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m still your best friend and know when you need to be spoiled a little.”

  I lifted an eyebrow. “You’d really cancel with Aria?”

  His grin got even jollier. “Of course! If you need me, I’m gonna be there for you. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t?”

  For some reason, knowing that Tristan would cancel with Aria for me made me happy. “Okay.”

  He tapped my car door excitedly. “Yes! Cool. I’ll call you when I'm done and we can meet up.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”