I Love You More Than I'm Afraid (Our Forevers #2) Read online

  Downstairs, my parents were both sitting at the dining room table, both already half-finished with their breakfast. They looked like a regular sitcom family, with my dad reading an actual newspaper, and my mom sitting there quietly and submissively. There was a third plate at the table with egg whites, turkey bacon, and wheat toast atop it.

  My mom smiled as she looked up. “Wow. Even short on time you look incredible!”

  I smiled. “Thanks, mama.”

  “Did you hear?” my father said, not even looking up from his newspaper. “Arden got into a nasty fight with her parents this morning. Told them never to speak to her again. Can you imagine?”

  “How would I have heard that?” I asked as I sat down at the table. “Arden and I don’t speak.”

  My mom frowned. “It’s terribly sad, isn’t it? You two used to be so close. Maybe if you had stuck together, she wouldn’t have drifted off down the wrong path.”

  My skin covered in angry goosebumps at the tones of my parents’ voices, but there was nothing I could do. Me staying in Arden’s life wouldn’t have convinced her to be less gay. I could assure them of that, not that I would ever risk saying something so stupid to them.

  I settled for, “Maybe.”

  “I was talking to Fawna yesterday, and she’s so sad that her relationship is so poor with Arden. She wishes it was like ours is, Hannah,” my mom said.

  I shrugged, sticking turkey bacon into my mouth as an excuse not to respond. My mom and Hannah’s mom, Fawna, were best friends. Much like Arden and I had been, they had been brought up as babies together by their mothers, who were also best friends. For a really long time, purely so my mom and Fawna could remain inseparable, Arden and I were inseparable as well. It didn’t take long for us to bond though, and in no time at all, we were one another’s entire world. There was just one key difference.

  Arden and I fell in love.

  Unfortunately for us, Arden and I came from hyper-religious families that believed homosexuality was wrong. My parents just expected certain things from me, and as their only child, I felt obligated to carry on their legacy with pride. If my family believed so staunchly that it was wrong, didn’t that mean that it had to be? Arden’s parents believed in it so firmly that they were willing to disown her just to have her not be that way. They sent her to that awful camp that starved her and attempted to drive her insane. If that was the amount of effort they were willing to put in, wasn’t it just easier to do what they were expecting?

  Right?

  “I told Fawna I’d talk to you about reconnecting with her,” my mom said. “I know that you were confused about your relationship with her at first, but now that you understand the difference, maybe you can help her understand too.”

  I couldn’t help but snicker, envisioning myself sitting down with Arden and explaining to her that, no, we’re just confused. We’re not attracted to one another, we’re straight and just really, really, really, really, really close. She’d laugh at me so hard it would give me third degree burns. Thanks but no thanks, mom.

  “I don’t think that’s going to work,” I said. “She can’t stand me. Why would she listen to me anyway?”

  My father shook his head at that. “It’s a shame that she became so jealous of your increased popularity. She should have wanted what was best for you.”

  “Just because you blossomed. If she’d allowed you to help her along as well, you could both be more popular. Tristan is a very accepting boy. I’m sure he would have loved your friend right along with you.”

  I looked down at what was left of the food on my plate, suddenly not feeling so hungry. I was feeling something between shame and guilt. Yes, Tristan would have loved Arden right along with me, given the fact that he was doing that now for Aria’s sake, but the issue was, Arden was already on the way out of my life before he and I started to date. Not that she didn’t have every right to be angry.

  Turns out, people who are in love don’t date and kiss other people just for show. Once I had my braces removed, started wearing contacts and nails at the urging of my mother, the popular kids like Tristan and Ceradi started to take more notice of me. Tristan asked me out on a date, and knowing my parents wanted nothing more for me than to prove to them I was into guys, I accepted. Arden and I had never really put a label on what we were, so I thought it would be okay.

  It was just for show, and it didn’t mean anything, but Arden called it cheating. She told me to cancel the date, and said that if they were really my friends they would hear me out when I said I was gay and had a girlfriend.

  They did not.

  When I first mentioned something about potentially being into women at all, they all thought I was joking. Just like with my parents, I wasn’t strong enough to face that ridicule and backed away, saying I wasn’t. Arden took it personally, as well she should have. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for Arden or our relationship to my new friends, so I did the thing I felt was best for us both.

  I cut her off.

  “I guess that’s just how it goes,” I said.

  “Well…” My mom started, and I recognized her gossip voice coming from a mile away. “Maybe it’s better anyway. From what Fawna tells me, Arden has a new ‘special friend.’ Some girl named Aria.”

  My stomach knotted at the mention of her name. What I knew defied what I saw and how I felt. Tristan and Aria were dating, and from what I could see when they were around one another, they were one another’s true loves, but Aria’s relationship with Arden made me uncomfortable. They were so snuggly and intimate with one another, and though Tristan and I were as close as the next set of besties, I didn’t like seeing it on them. I realized that was hypocritical, but just because I cut Arden off for her benefit, it didn’t mean my feelings were magically gone.

  Besides, Aria was so perfect it was sickening.

  “Yeah, I’ve heard of her,” I said. “I don’t like her very much.”

  “I can imagine not if she’s leading Arden down such a sinful path,” my father responded.

  God, I hated these conversations. The way I really felt and the way I was pretending to feel were all mixed together into a nasty sludge. I barely even knew what I thought anymore.

  “I gotta go,” I said, standing up from my seat. I reached out for my plate, but my mom reached across and snagged it before I could get to it. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I got it. Have a good day at school.”

  “Thanks.”

  She stood up from her chair as well and walked around the table just as I was walking away and grabbed me by the arm. She leaned in, almost as if she didn’t want my dad to hear her, and whispered, “Maybe just try getting Arden away from Aria. I know you still care about her. You wouldn’t want her to be eternally damned, would you?”

  I felt eternally damned in this conversation. “No. I’ll try,” I lied, but I knew even if that was something I wanted, I didn’t have that jurisdiction.

  My mom pet my head and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and then patted my back to send me off. My dad called out to tell me to be careful driving, but I didn’t respond. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if I found myself in a ditch on the way to school. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with getting to school and seeing Arden and Aria together.

  No such fortune came my way.

  I got to school just fine, and though I bumped into Tristan on the way in, any cheer he brought me quickly faded as we walked up to the seniors’ lockers and saw Aria and Arden. Arden had both her own backpack and Aria’s slung over her shoulders, while Aria was carrying a couple of to-go boxes. They were smiling at each other so radiantly it was blinding.

  “Hey!” Aria greeted, running up to Tristan. Her arms were full with the to-go boxes, but she leaned her head up and Tristan didn’t hesitate to duck his head down to meet her for a kiss.

  “How was breakfast?” Tristan asked.

  “Good,” Aria replied. “I tricked Arden into letting me pay.”

  Arden frowned as she walked over, her
eyes going far-off like she was imagining a great, war-time memory. “I’ll never pee during a meal again.”

  Tristan laughed. “Oh yeah, don’t pee, don’t go to ask for boxes, don’t drop your phone. She’ll get ya when you least expect it.”

  Arden’s smile came back and it was like a punch in the face. “Thanks for letting me steal her.”

  “Are you kidding? You’re the priority, I’m just the boyfriend,” Tristan replied.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” Aria said, “at least fight over me, what’s with all the chivalry?” Then she smiled at me. “Morning, Hannah.”

  I forced a smile. “Hey, Aria.” No matter how hard I tried not to, my eyes drifted to Arden’s, and she was looking back at me, seemingly trying just as hard not to look. “Hey, Arden.”

  She gave me a half-nod. “Hi.” Then she tapped Aria on the shoulder. “Come on, let’s get this stuff put away so we can go set up for our presentation.”

  “Okay!” Aria gave Tristan another kiss before fluttering off with Arden and I sighed when they were gone.

  “You ready to talk about it yet?” Tristan asked.

  I shook my head. “No.” He’d been trying to get me to open up about Arden ever since her friendship and his relationship with Aria brought her back into my life, but I didn’t like discussing the topic.

  If I had anything to say about it, I never would.

  3

  Arden

  I watched with a smile on my face as everyone clapped at Aria’s and my senior presentation. The school year was winding down, only about twelve weeks to go, and all of the seniors were presenting their final projects in a lot of their classes. Teachers were smart enough to know that once prom was over and we were all graduation-bound, hanging onto our attention was a crapshoot, so they did a lot of their individual class finals a few months before the end, and spent the remaining time preparing students for the school-mandated final exams and college entrance stuff. One class that Aria and I had allowed us to work on a final project together, and unlike most students who chose papers or boring powerpoint presentations, both Aria and I decided that we would go for something a little more…

  …Fantastical.

  “Can you show us again?” one student asked.

  “Sure!” I said.

  One of the optional science electives for the second half of the year was astronomy, in which we’d both always had a high interest. After studying a variety of sub-categories throughout the year, we were tasked with doing a final project that would display what we’d learned about the solar system and how the planets rotated around the sun. Anyone could throw sun-cycles onto a slide, but I was an inventor. While Aria did the calculations, I created something from the ground up that would rotate actual, to-scale planets around a glowing sun that Aria created with glow-in-the-dark paint. We placed boards in specific places with regard to the planets so that, as they rotated in real time around the sun, the board would show the sun cycle. At a glance, someone could see what kind of day the sun was casting over each individual planet.

  I tinkered with the mechanics to reset the cycle which I’d timed to move based on an electronic repeater that told the planets when to spin, and what speed to rotate at so that the rotation was true to life, but sped up so that we weren’t sitting there for the time it would take all the planets to go around. For some added flair, Aria used different colored paints on all of the planets so that they cast different colors across the ceiling like a disco as they rotated around. My invention mixed with her creativity? Even I had to admit we couldn’t be topped.

  “I must say,” our teacher, Mr. Aberston, said. “This is one of the most creative and imaginative projects I think I’ve ever seen. Well done, you two.” The bell signifying the end of class rang and our fellow students gave us another round of applause before starting to pack up. “That just leaves Kacey and Mara as well as Martin and Pascal tomorrow. We'll get started right away, so make sure you come prepared. Have a good rest of your day. Enjoy your lunch!”

  Aria and I carefully started picking up the pieces of our project as everyone else loaded out of the classroom. A few students stopped by on their way out to get an extra close look at our model of the planets and give us congrats, but given it was time for lunch, everyone was quick to leave.

  "We can leave the big stuff here and come grab it after school, right, Mr. Aberston?"

  “Of course,” Mr. Aberston said. “In fact, just pack it up the way you need and you can leave it there. I’ll move it somewhere safe. Don’t waste too much of your lunch time.”

  “Actually,” Aria said. “I have to go back to my locker anyway. Tristan wanted to meet me there and walk to lunch together.”

  I fake gagged. “You two are so gross.”

  “You know you love it,” Aria snapped back quickly, and I shrugged, but she was right. Seeing her so happy made me happy. “I’ll finish up here and then bring it back. You go on ahead. Get a good table so we don’t end up sitting by the dumpsters again.”

  “But Aria, how will the school ever know that we’re losers if we aren’t sitting by the trash cans?” I asked. She just shook her head and giggled at me.

  I finished packing up the couple of things I was working on, then I walked back to my desk and grabbed my bag, then left. I made sure to cast a look back over my shoulder to make sure it wasn’t taking Aria too long to finish up, but she was already gliding out with all of the stuff in her hands, assuring Mr. Aberston that she didn’t need help carrying it, so I left her to her devices and sifted my way into the crowd of seniors headed for the lunch room.

  Aria and I usually sat with all of the debate kids during lunch, at least the senior ones. Before I met Aria, I actually used to just skip out on lunch altogether—that was what I did most of my sophomore and junior years—but I’d found new joy in sitting with people that didn’t hate who I was at my core for at least one meal out of the day. In general, I was much happier at school than I was at home, but something happened last October that brought a little dissonance in my brief respite.

  Aria started dating Tristan.

  I really was so happy for her. He was a great guy, and though they had a rocky start, once they both found the confidence to boldly love one another without concern for anyone else, the feelings they had for each other overflowed and made everything around them a little bit shinier and more enjoyable. There was just something about being around two people who were clearly made for each other that was difficult to be cheerful around. Tristan himself wasn’t the issue. He fit into our group fine. He was much smarter than he was posturing to be when he was dedicated to being a popular kid, or a Pop as I liked to call them.

  The problem was Tristan’s best friend, Hannah.

  Hannah and I had a history that went far deeper than most people knew about. I had to tell Aria about it. She’d seen right through me when we briefly believed Hannah was dating Aria’s old best friend Lucky. It broke me to see her walking around with someone else over two years after she stopped seeing Tristan. I knew Hannah was gay, that wasn’t a question. It was the fact that it seemed like she was committed to just ignoring that fact and settling for less than happiness to appease the people around her.

  And the fact that she appeared to have moved on from me didn’t feel great either.

  After all that time, I’d managed to convince myself that I’d gotten over Hannah and hated her for the pain that she caused me, but I was so wrong. Just that little glimpse of thinking she was dating someone else shattered me. Aria had already developed her sixth ‘Arden’ sense; she spied it from a mile away.

  For a while, Aria was worried about bringing Tristan around, because Tristan came with Hannah like a poisonous, spike-covered package deal. Their friendship was a constant reminder that, after everything Hannah and I had been through for fifteen years, it wasn’t stronger than what the two of them had developed in two.

  Tristan and Hannah sat with us at lunch now, which meant lunch had quickly gone from being my
favorite part of the day to my least favorite part. Being around Hannah, in a word, sucked. She was a pain I didn’t know how to surmount. It was just another thing I was excited to escape when it was finally time to graduate and go to college. I’d start fresh in some totally different part of the country and leave all the frustration of things with my family and Hannah behind.

  The murmur of voices from the lunchroom pierced my thoughts as I entered. There were still several open tables far from the garbage cans, and none of my friends were sitting down yet. I scanned the big, open space to see if any of them were in line for food yet, but it seemed I was the first to arrive. I hopped into the lunch line quickly, opting to get one of the salad options to get through a little faster, then came out the other side and grabbed the table just to the left of the lunch line exit. I sat on one side of the long, rectangular tables and then pulled out my phone to look through while I waited for someone else to arrive.

  That was how I learned the gods of fate must hate me personally.

  Someone did come to the table, only about two minutes after I sat down. I stupidly didn’t look up at first, thinking that whoever it was would say hi or something to let me know that they’d arrived, but when the newest person at the table didn’t say anything, I looked up and was sitting kitty-corner from none other than my ex herself.

  Fantastic.

  Hannah was watching me with a tentative expression, but I didn’t say anything. Looking at her was hard enough, doubling my heart rate and creating sweat in my palms, so I turned my attention back to my phone, ignoring her altogether.

  “Is it that awful to be around me?” she asked quietly.

  I didn’t dare look up. Her puppy dog eyes could trick an eskimo out of ice. “It’s pretty awful.”

  She let out a little whimper and slapped her hands on the table top. Her voice was quiet and intense as she hissed, “I’m so sorry I came along and disrupted your beautiful new life with Aria.” I glared up at her, not liking the jealous look in her eyes. She didn’t get to be jealous. Not after what she pulled. “Your parents think she’s your girlfriend by the way.”